Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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