just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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