i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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