Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.