My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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