I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
