did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
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I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
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Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.