I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
