Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
