so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
