Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
