get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
