every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
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Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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