Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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