Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.