can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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