So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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