I puked a lego.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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