you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
