I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
