Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
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in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize