Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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