My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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