he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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