i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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