I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
