Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
