my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
