recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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