My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.