Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
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Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
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I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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