I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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