After last night, I could never be a politician.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
