I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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