i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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