why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
