btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Is Oprah even human
Randomize
