I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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