I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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