the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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