I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
