I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk