The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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