New low: just hacked my moms facebook
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess