Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I met the friendliest cop last night
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.