k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat