Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.