sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
it's great music for shaving your balls
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.