Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
