So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.