You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.