you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
