You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
