Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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