pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
