i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
